CostelloNews.com

And today it was announced that for his next tour, Elvis Costello will scrap his own material, and instead perform the Andrew Lloyd Weber 'music' of Cats, Starlight Express, and The Phantom of the Opera.

"Elton and Gordon, along with my pal Billy, have finally convinced me of the benefits of selling out, completely," said a bouyant Mr. Costello. "I spent over twenty-five years playing the 'integrity' card, and I end up with only the respect of music critics, thinking people, and a group known as 'trainspotters'. Meanwhile new albums by 2nd place finishers from TV talent shows outsell me by, like, 3 million copies. You can't retire on that kind of love. It only takes a few weekends at the Castle, nights at the Mansion, or wee-hours on the 'A' list to convince you that the derision of the elite is a small price to pay."

Rumoured future Costello projects including a ballet and an Ethiopian Tribal Music CD have been scrapped, and his people are now doing focus groups to decide if a Coolio/Eminem covers album or remakes based on the Ella Fitzgerald 'Songbooks' Series will hit the market next.